A study explored the process of engagement doubts

Many people, when they are a few months away from their wedding, start feeling the incredible excitement for that new chapter of their lives. But many others, when the invitations are ordered, the deposits are paid, and their mom is crying happy tears about their dress, also start thinking “Am I making a mistake?”.

This is a typical scenario in romantic comedies. However, according to new research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, it's an all-too-common reality. The team of researchers behind the study wanted to better understand the messy, confusing period when engaged couples feel hesitation. Their work focused on what people actually say when they're unsure about marrying their fiancé. Instead of traditional surveys or lab interviews, the researchers went to where many of us already spill our deepest secrets: the Internet. Specifically, they analyzed dozens of posts and thousands of comments on Reddit, the sprawling online forum where strangers swap advice, vent, and sometimes, bare their souls.

Relationship science has long shown that the seeds of divorce are often planted well before the wedding day. Couples who ignore big warning signs during courtship or engagement may carry those issues straight into marriage, where they fester.

Surprisingly, academic research rarely looks at engagements themselves. Scholars have studied dating breakups and divorce in depth, but the limbo state of engagement, the “almost married” stage, has been overlooked. Yet it's arguably one of the most important junctures in a couple's life. Calling off a wedding isn't easy; social expectations, financial investments, and sheer momentum often keep people moving forward despite doubts.

The researchers wanted to understand how people wrestle with those doubts in real time. Instead of relying on people's memories years later, they tapped into candid conversations happening online, right in the moment of uncertainty.

The team gathered 36 Reddit posts from people questioning whether to go through with their weddings, along with over 2,200 comments from more than 1,500 unique users.

The posts came from engaged individuals, average age about 27, who were, on average, only two and a half months away from their weddings. Many were in long-term relationships, some already had children, and most had invested significant time and money into the partnership.

Using a method called grounded theory, the researchers combed through the stories line by line, identifying recurring patterns. They weren't testing a hypothesis so much as letting themes emerge from the data itself.

What they found is a cycle they call the “premarital hesitation process.” It's not a single decision but a winding, emotional journey with several predictable steps.

The first step consists in disclosing red flags. At this stage, posters usually began by sharing a problem of anything from nagging incompatibilities to severe issues like financial deception, substance abuse, or even intimate partner violence. These weren't usually brand-new problems, but rather, old concerns that suddenly felt urgent as the wedding loomed.

Almost immediately, people would then soften their criticism and justify the relationship, which is the second step. Posters would often write “Yes, my fiancé drinks too much, but he's really supportive.” “She lied about her past, but we've been together 10 years and have a child.” This balancing act revealed deep ambivalence: love and loyalty tugging against fear and doubt.

Third, users would be grappling with hesitation, manifesting their confusion. Was this just “cold feet,” the jitters everyone talks about? Or were these genuine dealbreakers? Posters pleaded with strangers, "Is this normal stress, or is it a sign I should run?”

Finally, many tried to imagine life five, ten, or twenty years ahead. Would the same arguments repeat forever? Would resentment grow? What would parenting together look like? This forward-looking lens often sharpened their anxiety.

Here's where Reddit came in. Commenters, unburdened by sunk costs or social pressure, often delivered blunt assessments. They validated that the red flags were real, sometimes naming behaviors as abuse that the poster had downplayed. Commenters also pushed posters to think longer-term, “Do you want this dynamic for the rest of your life?” They offered stark comparisons. The short-term pain of calling off a wedding versus the far greater pain of divorce.

This back-and-forth created a rare window into the psychology of doubt: how love, fear, and outside voices collide when a life-altering choice is on the line.

One of the most surprising findings was how influential strangers could be. Posters seemed desperate for neutral perspectives, perhaps unwilling to burden friends or family who might judge their partner.

Commenters often cut through the haze. When abuse or addiction appeared, they didn't mince words, “Leave now. It will only get worse.” Others shared their own regrets about ignoring cold feet, “I wish I'd walked away before the wedding. Don't be me.”

Outsiders, whether therapists, educators, or even internet strangers, can play a powerful role in helping people see what they can't (or won't) admit to themselves.

Engagement doubts are normal, but they're also meaningful. Sometimes nerves are just nerves. Other times, they're early warnings of deeper issues. Knowing the difference can save years of unhappiness.

For professionals, therapists, clergy, premarital counselors, the findings of this study highlight the need to create safe spaces where engaged people can voice ambivalence without shame. But many people avoid formal help and instead turn to anonymous forums, which suggests we need more accessible, nonjudgmental avenues for support. Sometimes it signals temporary stress. Other times, it's your gut telling you to pay attention. Doubt doesn't make us weak; it makes us human. Also, while strangers, particularly on Reddit, aren't a substitute for professional help, outside perspectives can cut through the fog.

If you want to learn more, read the original article titled "Lifting the Veil: Exploring Premarital Hesitation and Engagement Dissolution Consideration" on Journal of Marriage and Family at http://dx.doi.org/10.1111/jomf.13113.